I don’t have a therapist. I’m all for talking to a non-bias professional if you need it, but I have yet to find a non-bias professional I feel I can trust. I’ve talked to counselors in the past and that hasn’t been a good experience for me. What was a good experience for me was talking and venting about my feelings and hearing them out loud. Once I removed the extra person from the room the experience became even better. So, now I talk to myself and write in a journal if I need to deal with something. One the one hand, this makes me very, very weird, but I think in the larger context I’m perfectly normal.
Today’s chat was about revisiting some goals I had set for myself and reassuring myself about my identity. Occasionally I’ll slip into a daydream fantasy where I become a famous writer or screenwriter, and meet and fall in love with a good-looking famous celebrity. After spending a few moments starry-eyed I come back to reality with a “Oh…wait…I’m aro-ace” and laugh it up. At first the day dream made me feel ashamed because I felt like I was still being manipulated by a heteronormative mindset. Now it just makes me feel normal because it’s a daydream most people have and they don’t take it seriously because the odds are ridiculous. And honestly, I’m an extreme introvert who manages a niche blog under a pseudonym. Fame would suit me ill. I’m fine with my whopping two followers with no deadlines and the ability to say whatever I want.
After congratulating myself on my mundane normalcy to the point that it’s almost cliche I decided to revisit and check in with some goals I had. As a writer I know the power of the Rule of 3 so I set three goals for myself last year: Be financially stable, Find a meaningful relationship/significant other, and get healthy.
I still live with my parents, I discovered I’m aromantic, and I’m still technically overweight. Go me! But seriously, this is all actually good things. Everyone should be familiar with the idea of “Be careful what you wish for” like in the stories the Monkey’s Paw or in fairytales where how you say something means everything.
Sure, I still live my parents, but they charge me rent and I pay for everything else including gas and college by myself. I’m basically just getting one hell of a discount and I get to be close to my family. I’m not a burden to my parents and it’s not really much different than if I was living with adult roommates except the food is better.
I’m over weight, but my blood work came back good while my brother is 23 and prediabetic. I don’t drink or smoke and I’m slowly making changes to my diet that will have benefits later on. I’ve been able to maintain my current weight which is a big feat in itself because I could technically eat fast food and ice cream as I want whenever I want. I’m making responsible choices about my diet and thinking about consequences. Also, I work right next to a bakery and when they make muffins I can smell them from where I work. It’s a miracle I make it home without a cupcake everyday. I’m not going to sell myself short on that victory.
Lastly, although I’ll daydream about a picket fence where the stars make their home, I accept that I don’t need a relationship to be happy. That’s the biggest check mark I can put in my goals met. By accepting myself and realizing that I don’t need another half I can focus my energy on setting new, obtainable goals in my three categories.
For my health goal I want to tackle the issue of my dysphoria. I think that if I get in better shape and stay healthy, that will help some, but another issue I want to address is the anger management side of my issues. So, I’ve decided to handle both. My college has Tai Chi classes and even though they don’t apply to my degree, I think it would be a good decision for me. Financially my next goal is thinking about what I want to do for my career. I’m still in school, but it’s a good idea to start looking and thinking about my options now. Lastly, now that I know a romantic relationship isn’t for me, I plan on making and maintaining long lasting and healthy platonic relationships. As writer I don’t really like deadlines, but I plan to revisit and check on my progress in 8 months. I wanted to do six months, but I think revisiting my goals at the next New Year is a better fit.
So, that’s how my session went. I’m not dismissing professional therapy, but at this point I just don’t think it’s for me. Self help is a viable tool and for me was definitely worth exploring. Right now I feel hopeful and happy so I consider this session of talking to myself a complete success.