I wish I had older friends. A lot of people I associate with at work and elsewhere are all under the age of 25 and a good chunk of the time I feel like I’m left hanging. For example my coworkers want to do a pub crawl on Friday and kindly invited me, but today shit went to hell and reminded me I have a life that needs dealing with. Unfortunately no amount of greasy food and alcohol is going to change that and I’d rather not be strapped for cash later. It would be nice to have people around me who understood that.
My day started out pretty usual. I went to work after only about four hours of sleep which turned out to be a blessing. For the most part I was too tired to snark at people and the cheese I had to peddle was a stupidly easy sell. I sign and everything so I only needed to say about two words total to people. I could just lean against my table and relax. Time went agonizingly slow, but all in all it wasn’t the worst of shifts.
Then I got home. I should have been suspicious when my dad texted me asking if I could pick up his usual beer. Turns out my dad’s mom had died today. She had been in hospice for over a week so they knew it was coming, but he can’t fly up for the funeral and help his brother deal with things because there are no flights no where that he can afford. If he was going to drive he would have needed to have left today, but he couldn’t because our house issues have erupted as well. As far as I know my dad had a meltdown, my mom had a meltdown and left this morning and she hasn’t been back since (currently night), and there’s really not a whole heck of a lot I can do about.
My mom is depressed. We know she’s depressed, but we can’t talk her into getting help for it. If we push or bring up the subject she just reacts even worse and my dad gets the brunt of it. From my point of view the situation isn’t great for the both of them, but I’m not a child in the middle of it. I’m an adult and part of that is I understand that I have no say in how my parents do things. It would be different if I were still a kid, because then they would have the parental obligation to put my needs first, but now if I need or want something I can get it myself. If I want therapy, my job benefits covers 3 visits per issue. I’m still a student so I have college resources. I have my own doctor who can make a referral and my own insurance. The only things I don’t have are a house and a car. I rent both from my parents, but it’s more like I’m getting a REALLY good discount since I do have to budget and pay for rent and maintenance.
The situation with my parents doesn’t make me feel helpless. Right now I feel more numb to the situation than anything. It’s like if someone came up to me at work and asked were an item was in a different part of the store. I do my best to point them in the right direction with what I know, but deep down my standard response is “Not my department”. Right now I feel like the situation with my parents is the same. It matters, and it affects me, but it’s not about me because it’s on them. Maybe once they get their own crap in some semblance of order I can find the time to sit down an grieve because I was told today that my grandmother died and that somehow got pushed down to the bottom of my shit-list.