So, my next post was supposed to be a long form of my “fae/faer” Twitter thread rant (long story short, some asshole on the internet said that using fae/faer as pronouns was religious appropriation and they cited “Celtic” mythology as their source. As someone who’s been obsessing over comparative Celtic mythology for longer than the Marvel Cinematic universe has been a thing, I have a LOT to so say on that subject) and I was like SUPER excited to pound out that draft, but then I got off work yesterday and my mood just TANKED. I don’t know if it’s work stress, COVID stress, the sharp change in weather, the fact that it’s ace week and I run a Twitter account that subtweets aphobes or a combination of the above, but holy shit, I just feel sad and disconnected from humanity.
I’m not a social person and the jury’s out on whether that’s just my personality or an anxiety issue I’ve just become accustomed to ignoring. I know I have some kind of anxiety issue because, as my youngest brother put it, there will be times when I go from 0 to 100 real quick. Tiny spiders and misplacing my wallet/keys are definitely triggers.
While feeling high emotions like joy aren’t in my usual, and actually really exhausted if I try to picture it, I’m also rarely ever just this sad. My mental happy place is the DART train that follows Ireland’s eastern coast line because that was my dream vacation that came true over a year ago and I made sure to mentality catalog it. We were straight off the 12 overnight flight, had dropped our luggage at the hotel, tired and jetlagged we just rode the train up and down the coast to rest and taking in the view. “Resting in beauty” is how I would describe my normal mentalscape. Exhaustion is just a fact of life as a working class person who is working retail pharmacy and picking up a second job as a substitute teacher. As an agender aro-asexual person, I’ve accepted that some mental health issues are probably also going just be a fact of life because society is not kind to variance and deviation. Being able to mentally or physically just sit down in bask in beauty, be it nature or some quirky humanity wonderment, has been the secret sauce to my relative mental stability. So my current sadness thing is super unusual.
Oh. Wait. I hadn’t considered hormonal related causes. I was SUPER pissed off at my coworker yesterday because, holy cow, I have been at my current job for a year, and in difference to her being the more senior employee by like ten years the bitch still does NOT get to micromanage me. I was thinking about pulling the assistant manager aside to tell let him know we were going to have problems. You’d think after ten years she’d know the difference between micromanaging and actual helpful suggestions to improve the work flow. Instead the bitch was like “you’re not doing anything” which pissed me off beyond all reason and when I go out of my way to try and help her with here work load she brushes off my help. Whenever I have bouts of anger like that my mood will shift to blue/sad afterwards. It’s not usually this bad though so I don’t know. I conveniently have my yearly doctor’s appointment next Monday so I can ask if it doesn’t improve. I also conveniently work with a bunch of people with pharmaceutical degrees and mental health services are included in my benefits, so if it doesn’t improve I can ask.
I still want to get that rant knocked out today, but my internet doesn’t want to cooperate so it’ll be a much a much slower, less enthusiastic process, but it’s definitely going to get done.