Carnival of Aros March 2019: It’s Great to be Aro!

This is my submission for the Carnival of Aros for March 2019 hosted this month by Aromanticism on the topic of “It’s Great to be Aro!” For more information about the Carnival of Aros or to volunteer to become a future host please check out https://carnivalofaros.wordpress.com/

I probably can’t stress this enough, but I actually love, love being aromantic. The first time I took myself to a movie was after my dad and brother went seen The Martian (2015) without me even after I had told them repeatedly that I wanted to see it too. I decided to go by myself to the movie theater two blocks down from where I worked. I was still in my work uniform and it felt awkward saying “one ticket” at the counter, but I got through it and had the brilliant insight to buy a cup of coffee instead of popcorn and soda. With a warm cup of coffee in my hand and an entire row to myself I had the best movie experience of my life. Now if I want to see a movie I’ll pick a day in the middle of the week when it’s not busy and buy a cup of coffee instead of movie snacks.

I won’t deny that humans are social creatures by nature, but some of my best moments when I feel the most like myself are when I’m alone doing my own thing. When I’m hanging out with other people the need to fit-in and avoid social faux-pas kind of sucks the fun out of it. It’s much easier to dance like no one is watching when you know for a fact that nobody is actually watching. I feel like I’m constantly flirting the line between being my best self and a crazy loner and some days are easier keep that healthy balance than others. I definitely felt some minor angst when I first realized I was aromantic years ago and realized that wouldn’t get that classic Hollywood ending promised in almost every movie ever, but I did eventually learn to accepted it as my normal and I’ve been focusing on celebrating my singularity rather than worrying about my nonexistent relationships.

It’s kind of like…well, for example, a lot, and I mean a LOT, of folks at my work play Magic the Gathering. One of my coworkers even offered to give me $50 to build a starter deck, but Magic is seriously not my thing. Sure, I feel left out when they talk about planning game days and I see a bunch of them leave together with chips and soda under each arm. It’s frustrating to hear all the talk about trading cards or meeting up to open new packs and I can’t join in, but Magic just isn’t my thing. It’s an expensive hobby that I have zero interest in. You can pitch it to me anyway you like, but I don’t do trading card games. I will play Liverpool rummy any day of the week. Hearts? I’m down. Spades? Sure thing. BS, Slap Jack, Black Jack? You bet ‘cha. Hell, I’ll even play Crazy 8’s in a pinch, but Magic the gathering is just. not. my. thing. and I’m not going to force myself to play a game that I know I don’t like just so I can fit in. My view on romance is like that almost verbatim. Most folks love to gush about mushy stuff and I’m like, “….uhhhh what about all these other awesome stuff that isn’t, ya know, romantic?”

I don’t get crushes on people. I get “let’s-quit-this-dead-end-job-and-run-away-to-become-space-pirates”es on people which is sooo much cooler in my opinion. I haven’t quite figured out how to explain to people that I don’t want to “date” them so much as just slay a few dragons at the ol’ 9-5 together before they go home to the wife and I go home to my cat. I want to belong to something magical, epic, heroic, that doesn’t have the executive meddlers saying “Hmmm, this needs an unnecessary love triangle and more romantic tension to boost ratings.” As an aromantic I have all these wonderful, unique and different feelings that nobody talks about that I think are worth exploring and celebrating in media and in everyday conversations.

Aromanticism is the most dominant of my identity labels. Most of the time I don’t even think about being asexual or agender, but hoo boy, my aromanticism is cranked up to 100 all day everyday. That might have something to do with how pervasive romance is in western culture, but that doesn’t change that my aromanticness has the most impact on my way of thinking, feeling, and behaving. I’ve literally never dated. I’ve never pursued any possible romantic ties and I’m uncomfortable when people try to ask me out. I’m also get very defensive when people even joke about me dating. One of my coworkers was poking fun at me because someone had asked me out and they were like, “I’m going tell him you changed your mind. You would look so cute together.” and I got super defensive and reminded him that it takes something like six weeks for knee caps to heal. The reason I was so defensive is because I felt like my identity was being targeted. It’s like telling a gay guy, “Oh, you should totally go out with this girl, you’d make a cute couple.” and that’s super not okay and very hurtful, but for some inexplicable reason it’s soooo hard for people to understand that.

Jerk-ass coworkers aside, I really do love being aro because I wouldn’t be myself if I wasn’t. I’ve worked really hard to become comfortable with who I am and what it means to be “me”. I think Liverpool rummy is more fun than Magic the Gathering. My ideal “date” is when I take myself to coffee and a movie. I think there are other feelings and relationships besides romantic relationships that are worth celebrating and talking about. I treasure the journey of growth and self discovery it took to get me to this point in my life where I can appreciate and celebrate being a single person. So, I didn’t get to slay any dragons with anybody today and people still don’t understand that a life without romance is just as fulfilling and rewarding, if not even more so, as one where romance is the central focus, but that’s not going to stop me from celebrating being aro.

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Carnival of Aces for November ’16: Relationship Anarchy

[This is my submission for the Carnival of Aces November 2016 hosted this month by Dee of It’s An Ace Thing for the topic of “relationship anarchy”. The Carnival of Aces is a monthly blogging carnival centered around a particular topic. For more information about the CoA see the >>Master Post<<]

When I first saw the topic for this month I was a little skeptical (having never heard the term before), but after reading into it a little more I can see how relationship anarchy would appeal to many people (including myself). As an aromantic asexual I shy away from the idea of relationships because of the expectations that come with them. We’ve all seen the Hollywood romance model: Boy meets girl, they date, they sex it up, they fight, they make up, sex it up again, roll credits. It’s all very formulaic and I am all for breaking that standard model.

I’m slightly romance-repulsed. If a random person walks up and tries to hit on me I’ll either a) not realize that’s what they’re trying to do or b) internally-freak-out-and-give-them-the-choice-of-solving-three-riddles,-completing-an-impossible-task,-or-going-on-quest. Then to make things even more complicated, I’m a nonbinary gender (agender). So following the standard relationship model does not work for me and my only option really is relationship anarchy.

“What’s the point of a relationship without sex or romance?” Well, just because I don’t feel romantic or sexual attraction doesn’t mean I don’t feel any attraction at all. I still feel sensual attraction. If I were to confess to a ‘sensual-crush’ (and I did that just today actually), I would say, “I want to hug you. You are allowed to enter into my personal space.” and I would consider them an acceptable cuddle-buddy. Words like “dating” freak me out, but despite all that I still want to have healthy and wholesome relationships.

Relationships of all kinds are defined by unwritten rules that dictate what you can and cannot feel and what behavior is considered normal. For me that is very oppressive. I would love to live in a world where my “before everyone else” is a mutual platonic partnership. I would love to live in a world where my “love” for my mentors is just as celebrated and talked about as a romantic love for a significant other would be. I would be over the moon if the social norm was that one of the first questions people ask me is NOT “do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend”?  and instead, “what is your most significant relationship?”

Right now my most significant relationship is with my tai chi mentor because they are making the most positive impact on my life right now. I want to be able to talk about and celebrate that relationship with others, but I can’t because of the social expectations. If I talked about a mentor like I want to people would think it’s weird or they’d mock me for having a “secret crush” when it’s not like that at all. I usually do fall “in love” with my mentors, but it’s always in a non-romantic way. I see those kinds of relationships as reverent and worth celebrating and talking about, but because of our social norms I can’t do exactly that.

I want Hollywood to tell a “Falling in Best Friends” kind of story. I want Hollywood to STOP KILLING OFF THE MENTOR CHARACTERS because that’s the only way they know how to talk about the relationship. I want us as a society to stop worshiping romantic love like it’s the end all, be all way. I believe all kinds of relationships are worth celebrating and talking about. I didn’t have a word for it before, but I guess “relationship anarchy” is what I’ve been wishing for all along.

15 Day Aromantic Challenge: Day 15!!!

What do you like about being aromantic? What do you dislike?

Likes:

I like the fact that I’m different. As a writer my worst nightmare is being a cliche. Some cliches are okay, but I don’t want to be one. I like the independence that being aromantic gives me. I wasn’t like several people at my High School who married young and had two kids by the time they were old enough to drink. I like that I get to wear a lot of green and I like the look of the pride flag. I like that my aromanticism complements my asexuality. I like that I can feel platonic and family bonds more strongly. Comrade is one of my favorite emotions. I like that being aromantic has forced me to have a unique world view. I don’t have any romantic emotions or worries or entanglements to distract me from my goals in life. I think I can focus better and have more time to improve myself as a person. I like that I feel complete without missing “another half”.

Dislikes:

I dislike how lonely it can be sometime. I dislike being the third, fifth, or even sometimes the seventh wheel when I go out with my family and their significant others. I dislike that one of the first questions people ask when they try to get to know me is if I have a boyfriend/girlfriend. I want there to be more non-villain aromantics in media. I want there to be more aromantics in media period. I want there to be more representation for my demographic not just the crappy, “Oh, you just haven’t met the right one” or “Prince/Princess Charming is waiting for you, don’t give up!” blog posts. People try to empower single people and in the same breath say that single people just need to “hang in there!”, because there’s someone out there for everyone. I dislike how few aros there are. I don’t belong to an aromantic community or know too many aro blogs or resources. I basically just want more aro stuff and aros to hang with.

Final Thoughts:
I enjoyed doing the blogging challenges. Because of my school and work schedules I can’t do the deep and wordy blog posts that I want to do. The blogging challenges are a nice compromise since I can be as wordy or brief as I want or have the time and energy. I’ll probably continue to search for challenges to do until such time I can fully commit to the post type that I want. If anyone else is doing similar challenges I would like to hear about them in the comments section, Thank you!

15 Day Aromantic Challenge: Day 14

What is your favorite aromantic song?

I don’t know about any songs that are openly aromantic, but I do listen to a lot of music that are devoid of romance. Folk songs and folk-like songs are my favorite. When I listen to music I want to feel moved. My favorites tend change on a daily basis and I’ll often spend extra money on CDs so I can find obscure songs that aren’t available on download. The most recent CD I bought was “Set You Free” by namos. The sing song I was after was Poor Weary Wanderer, but the rest of the CD is also very enjoyable. I love Celtic music, but I’ll listen to pretty much anything folk.

Here are the lyrics to Poor Weary Wanderer:

My heart goes out to you, poor weary wanderer
Forced to travel this world alone
Forced to wander away from home
You must sow what you cannot reap
You must hope but you cannot keep
You must fear what you cannot know
You must feel what you cannot speak

Nobody wants you
Nobody loves you
Nobody cares for you
Nobody slaves for you
You can’t see the angels
Gathered all around you
You can’t hear what they are saying
And Heaven all about you

My heart goes out to you, poor weary wanderer
Forced to travel this world alone
Forced to wander away from home
My heart goes out to you, poor weary wanderer
You must lie in the cold clay
You must travel ’til the end of day

Sometimes songs are vague enough that I can attach an aromantic meaning to them and on rare occasions,  when I’m in the right mood where overt romantic messages don’t overwhelm me, I’ll listen to pop music or the radio. I very rarely listen to the radio while I’m driving. People get on my case for preferring Pandora to Spotify, but Pandora filters my preferences better since I’m trying to tune out what feels like pretty much 99% of songs. Finding songs that aren’t romantic themed is hard and I feel like I just can’t relate to them.

My absolute favorite song is I’m Going to Go Back There Someday by the Muppets. I’m trying not to live up the the childish stereotype unfairly attached to aro/aces, but it’s actually a really beautiful song. As I mentioned, I like songs that move me. I’ve found that exciting and upbeat music loses its shine after a while, but the slower, more meaningful songs stay with me and never dull.

While Poor Weary Wanderer has a sorrowful tone, I’m Going to Go Back There Someday strikes me as sweet and hopeful. For me it represents what I think most aros are looking for, that perfect “home-like” feeling we can find in another person. We are vaguely aware of the possibility, but it feels like the world is against our dream. It feels like the world says the only relationships worth making are romantic ones. I think the current narrative is that friendship should be effortless and it’s really not.

In movies and films people just always seem to have a best friend that magically spawned out of nowhere and all the protagonist’s energy is spent towards the romantic interest. I wish Hollywood made “Falling in Best Friends” stories, because those are the stories I need. I don’t have a lot of friends right now and I’ve lost the youthful ability to magically spawn them. If I want friends, I have to put in the effort. It would be nice to see this as normal instead of the exception.

As an aromantic I’m not looking for True Love. I’m looking for something a little softer, a little sweeter, and although it may appear childish to others, I think it’s probably the strongest, most innate relationship we can build. This trick is finding the right person or people willing to build that same dream.

My favorite lines in the song is the last verse, “There’s not a word yet for old friends who’ve just me./Part heaven, part space, or have I found my place?/You can just visit, but I plan to stay./I’m going to go back there someday.” I’m waiting and searching still, but I’m still hopeful for “someday” to happen soon.

 

15 Day Aromantic Challenge: Day 13

What is your ideal job/career?

My ideal job/career would be a screenwriter. I’m not a terrible writer, but I don’t have the connections needs to make a living in writing for television or movies. It’s not what you know, it’s who you know. Sure, I got a grade of 102% in my screenwriting class (extra credit, boom!), but nobody is going to pick up a no-name writer for their new TV series.

That doesn’t stop me from writing. Even if I can only write a small measly blog post a day, I will continue to write a small measly blog post every single day. On days when I’m flat out of ideas I have prompt books that I write in. I make it a point to write at for at least 15 minutes every single day. I make it a point to continue learning about writing and learning how to make my writing better. I’m listening to an audiobook right now on how to write better sentences. I have a whiteboard on my wall with the three act structure written out in permanent marker so all I have to do is fill in the blanks. Hard work isn’t enough. Working damn hard isn’t enough. If I want to break into the writing field I’m going to need to work insanely hard and be damn lucky at some point in time. I don’t have kids. I don’t have a relationship. Writing is the love of my life and my stories are my babies.

Basically writing is already my job, it just doesn’t pay the bills.

15 Day Aromantic Challenge: Day 12

Who is your favorite aromantic character?

I haven’t really ready anything with a canon aromantic character. I’ve seen hints and winks and speculations, but I haven’t read anything that in plan text say “This character is aromantic” outside of fanfiction. Which is probably why I read a lot of fanfiction. A friend of mine was trying to create an aromantic character, but the interpretation was all wrong and I had to come in and say “No, that’s not it. Stop it. Stop making us look like unfeeling robots.” And then they stopped taking my advice, so that clearly didn’t go over well.

I think part of the problem is people who aren’t aromantic don’t really understand what it’s like to be aromantic. Heck, I’m aromantic and asexual, so I have no idea how it feels to be aromantic and lesbian, or aromantic and bi, or aromantic and pan. They would have a completely different experience than me and I would probably conduct some interviews before I even think about making a character.

I don’t know what’s worse. Having no aro characters or having bad aromantic characters. I read a lovely post a while back about how aromantics are often the villains in stories. We don’t know what love is so we must be the bad guys right? Because True Love always wins in the end? I’m really hoping some beautifully talented people out there are busily working to change that. I think we are long over due for an aromantic hero, so I’m going ot say my favorite aromantic character hasn’t been written yet.

 

15 Day Aromantic Challenge: Day 10

If you’re involved in fandoms, do you/how do you ship? (gen fic, romantic ships, friendships, queerplatonic ships, etc.)

Ships? I have a freaking armada! Just one OTP isn’t enough. I probably spend an unhealthy amount of time on Ao3 reading fanfics. Honestly, I like the fandoms more than the cannon series most times. I always get really excited when I see an aromantic tag, but I’ll pretty much read anything, good or bad. I treat fanfics as rules free fantasy. I can enjoy whatever I want without having to justify it. I can read dark fics, smutty fics, anything when I’m in the mood for it because Ao3 is my escape, sometimes even from myself. I read fanfiction when I don’t want to think about anything else. I can just read and drift. I don’t have to think about work, I don’t have to think about my identity, and I can just exist in the moment of reading pleasure.

I’m currently reading a John/Sherlock fic series. So far it’s purely platonic, with John developing feelings for Sherlock, BUT! Plot twist: John is the one who’s learning to become “human” (usually it’s the other way around). The story is basically a Pinocchio plot. John is Sherlock’s guardian angel, but he breaks The Rules to save Sherlock’s life from a demon. It’s urban fantasy where Sherlock is aware of the supernatural, but can’t see it and he uses science and magic to solve cases. Because he broke the rules John loses his angel status and falls to Earth. He makes a deal with a pagan trickster god for a body and identity and is given the name and face of the recently KIA John H. Watson. The series then proceeds to navigate the BBC cases with a supernatural twist. My favorite character is an OC who acts as John’s “Jiminy Cricket”. I totally recommend to anyone who likes urban fantasy. I have a weakness for stories where fairies, demons, angels, pagan gods, and just about every myth you know (and some you don’t) all live together in the same world.

Basically while I do have my preferences, I don’t let my aromantic identity get in the way of my reading obsession. Television and movies are another matter entirely, but I plan to keep indulging in fanfics guilt free.

15 Day Aromantic Challenge: Day 9

What are some of your hobbies?

Reading and writing are first and foremost my main hobbies. They are the skills I dedicate the most time towards and being a writer has been my dream since middle school. Once I found out my identity as an agender aromantic asexual I’ve decided that I could never write for mainstream and have retreated to perfect my craft in private. I remember being really jealous of Christopher Paolini (The author of Eragon) for being published so young, but I was determined to mature as a person and a writer before I even attempted to get published. I’m also deeply infatuated with science fiction so I’ve dedicated a lot of time to research into pretty much everything. Thinking back to anything I wrote before I was 20 years old, I probably would have burned it all myself and scattered it to the four winds. I can’t imagine building entire worlds and creating believable characters while being in the dark about myself.

I’m also currently learning Tai Chi at my college. The teacher does a very traditional style and I really like all the little details involved with it. Even if I’m just standing still I have at least 20 things to think about; Is my weight distributed properly? Are my feet angled correctly? Do I feel any tension in my knees? Are my shoulders relaxed? Since I can’t turn my brain off regular workouts are hideously boring for me. If I’m working out then my brain has to be involved too. It’s too hot where I live to run outside or else I would do a couple of laps around the neighborhood with an audiobook.

A lot of my hobbies are individual based so I don’t meet a lot of people outside of work. I’m hoping once I’m done with school (ha! never!) I’ll have more time to met some new and different people.

 

15 Day Aromantic Challenge: Day 8

How do you feel about children? Do you want/have children?

I don’t like children. I know some people think that is a horrible thing to say, but children are generally loud and have high pitched voices and it really makes me uncomfortable. I don’t think babies are cute and I don’t look at a toddler and think “awwww, I want one”. I’m just not comfortable around them. My mom swears that your own kids aren’t as bad, but I don’t want to have my own children either . I’m sure once my siblings have children I’ll spoil them rotten, but right now I try to stay as far away from kids as possible. I don’t even like most adults so kids are too much of a stretch. I have worked with kids before so it’s not a lack of experience. It’s just a preference.

 

15 Day Aromantic Challenge: Day 7

Do you like physical affection? If so what kind? (hugging/cuddling/holding hands/kissing/etc.)

I feel sensual attraction to some people. So basically if I know or care about the person I’ll feel the desire to hug them or brush up against them like a cat. I think it’s weird, but it means I’m super picky about who I let in my personal bubble. I’m very protective of my personal space even among my family. Rather than out right hug people I prefer just to lean on them or occupy their personal space. I don’t really like kissing and don’t feel a desire to kiss people. Most of my physical affection is going to be very platonic in nature. If I had a partner I would probably want to hold hands with them and hug them. Basically how Hollywood portrays BFFs is what I’d want my relationship to look like; where it would be/look weird for anybody else but that one best friend.