Aromantic Awareness Week: The “You’ll Be Alone Forever” Myth

SInce I’ve turned 30 years old I’ve started to out right chuckle at the “you’ll be alone forever” myth (and yes it is a myth) directed at asexuals and aromantics. I know aces can kind of brush it off because sex and romance are two very different relationship sauces, but aros have to put more effort into pointing out some of the fallacies behind the “alone forever” mentality.

First of all, half of all marriages end in divorce. That number is a little skewed because that includes all marriages, meaning repeat offenders who get married and then divorced and then get married again. The statistics for first time marriages are a little better and those who wait and get married later in life report being happier in their marriages than folks for got married in their late teens and early 20s. You can look up the most studies on your own time, but when I looked all this up back before realizing it didn’t matter because I’m aromantic, that’s the gist I got out of the available articles at the time.

The thing most people don’t like to think about is “forever” is a long ass time. I’ve noticed most young people don’t realize that there’s life after 30, so the fact that there’s life after 65 must blow their feaking minds. If you think about it, if you retire at 65 but live to be 85+, that’s 20 freaking years of living without income. I hope you nabbed a good retirement package because that’s 20+ years of additional medical expenses that you have to account for also because you won’t be a spring chicken. Then at the very end, there’s Assisted Living you need to account for because you and your hypothetical spouse won’t be able to take care of eachother anymore. Then at the very, very end there’s hospice care because nobody actually lives forever. So the whole “alone forever” thing is heteronormative BS at its finest.

There is never going to be one single relationship that’s going to carry you every step of the way through life. Sure, we love it when lovely dovey couples are like, “oh, my wife/husband is my rock. I couldn’t do it without them.” But we live in reality and reality is messy and doesn’t like to be tied up in a pretty bow. That’s like the winner of American Idol saying “See? Dreams really do come true if you believe in yourself!” like you didn’t watch the first five episodes where millions of people got turned down. All those people did follow their dreams and they did believe in themselves and it still didn’t work out because of luck, fate, or whatever. The same thing happens with romance. We are so focused on the “success” stories that we overlook that for most people, even straight people, it doesn’t work out and it’s really mean spirited to everyone to keep pushing the myth that you’ll be forever alone and that is a bad thing.

So, for everyone else who’s realized they aren’t the star of their own romantic comedy here’s what you do:

1) Start saving up for retirement. I’m not kidding. You do not want to be homeless or cleaning toilets in your 70s. Throw some spare change in a pickle jar, stuff some dollar bills under your mattress, do whatever you need to do to put some money aside and then start looking at retirement savings plans because inflation is a thing and you want your savings to keep up. That way you can save up for a nice retirement home with cute nurses, good food, and lots of new friends with cool life stories. Don’t rush to old age, but don’t dred it either.

2) Get a new hobby. Pick something you like that takes YEARS to master and then find some local clubs or meetups based on that hobby. Rinse, lather repeat. You can have multiple hobbies and that gives you more opportunity to make tons of new friends who share a common interest with you.

3) Realize that who you are now is not who you’ll be forever. If you’re the kind of person who is constantly trying to improve as a person and stiving to be a decent human being you’ll continue to grow and change for the better. I don’t even like who I was ten years ago, I am not the same person I was ten years ago. I want my circle of friends to reflect who I am now, not the person I was 10 years ago. Because of that I’m actually super grateful that I’m aromantic because I don’t have to worry about a significant being resentful that I’ve changed or that my priorities have changed nor do I have to worry about maintaining a relationship with someone who more than likely has also changed as a person. It honestly gives me a headache just thinking about it.

Those are the kinds of things people don’t like to think about when they say, “You’ll be alone forever”. They’re not actually thinking about what “forever” really means. So what if you don’t have somebody to buy you flowers, give you a massage, forget your anniversary, and all that long term relationship crap.

Instead of investing in a relationship, I’ve invested in making myself the kind of person I’m happy to live with long term. I’m not lonely. I have my job that is both really challenging and rewardingin its own way. I have my hobbies. I have my cat. I’m happy and I don’t need another person coming in and messing that up for me just so I’m not “alone”.

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Rats (Again).

The drama with the guy at my work is continuing to unfold.  I texted him back clarifying that what I meant by “formal” response was I wanted to give a polite answer in person and outside my department. The only time I see him (outside of the total three times I’ve hung out at his place for game nights with other coworkers) is at work. While I’m working. For me it’s strictly a manners thing. I didn’t want to say “No, because I’m not straight like you obviously think I am” over a text message.

So, in response he texts me saying “okay, will tomorrow work?” and uh, no, because “tomorrow” was Easter Sunday and I had family stuff to do. Common sense?

Also, because of this whole thing I’m no longer comfortable being alone with him. It’s not that I think he’ll do anything, I’m just no longer comfortable because I feel cornered. I realized that I can’t “be polite” about it anymore because that’s leading to some very serious miscommunication.

Rats.

So, I mentioned a while back that somebody at my work asked me out and I thought the matter had resolved itself because I said, “no” and it wasn’t mentioned again for two weeks.

The matter is not resolved.

At the time I asked if he wanted a “formal reply” because he had asked me out over a text message ON THE DAY FROM HELL. Dude has no sense of timing. Serious, don’t ask people out on Daylight Savings day. Common sense, people, go get some. Also, that day I did NOT get enough sleep, I had an anxiety attack for unrelated reasons and was late for work, so if I could just block that day from my memory forever that would be just great. …And I’m off track.

So, I get a text at 1:33 AM saying, “Hey, been thinking about when you said no to a date and asked if I wanted a formal answer. I want to be able to set the record straight for myself so there’s no confusion form my end.” W. T. F. I said “no”. Where is the confusion.

Fortunately, there are places I can turn to and people I can ask when I’m having a miniature freak out. I’m going to go do that now.

…

Okay, I’m back and I’m much calmer than I was. 1) I found a really good PDF called “10 Steps to Becoming an Effective Ally to the LGBT Community” that I’m going to print out and take with me just in case. I’m not “out” per se, but I don’t consider my asexuality a secret. It’s just not something I like to talk about because it becomes “Asexuality 101” and I hate doing that. 3) I’m not going to respond to the text until I’ve had at least six hours of sleep and a half a pot of coffee. Lastly, 4) I’m going to be polite about it. Just like I can’t force myself to magically feel attraction towards somebody, he can’t just magically switch off his attraction. He’s only responsible for how he responds to those feelings and impulses (but the aro in me is still squicked out just a teeny-tiny bit, just saying).

That’s my game plan. I’m also working with my supervisor tomorrow so I can hide behind him in a corner if I need to.

 

 

15 Day Aromantic Challenge: Day 14

What is your favorite aromantic song?

I don’t know about any songs that are openly aromantic, but I do listen to a lot of music that are devoid of romance. Folk songs and folk-like songs are my favorite. When I listen to music I want to feel moved. My favorites tend change on a daily basis and I’ll often spend extra money on CDs so I can find obscure songs that aren’t available on download. The most recent CD I bought was “Set You Free” by namos. The sing song I was after was Poor Weary Wanderer, but the rest of the CD is also very enjoyable. I love Celtic music, but I’ll listen to pretty much anything folk.

Here are the lyrics to Poor Weary Wanderer:

My heart goes out to you, poor weary wanderer
Forced to travel this world alone
Forced to wander away from home
You must sow what you cannot reap
You must hope but you cannot keep
You must fear what you cannot know
You must feel what you cannot speak

Nobody wants you
Nobody loves you
Nobody cares for you
Nobody slaves for you
You can’t see the angels
Gathered all around you
You can’t hear what they are saying
And Heaven all about you

My heart goes out to you, poor weary wanderer
Forced to travel this world alone
Forced to wander away from home
My heart goes out to you, poor weary wanderer
You must lie in the cold clay
You must travel ’til the end of day

Sometimes songs are vague enough that I can attach an aromantic meaning to them and on rare occasions,  when I’m in the right mood where overt romantic messages don’t overwhelm me, I’ll listen to pop music or the radio. I very rarely listen to the radio while I’m driving. People get on my case for preferring Pandora to Spotify, but Pandora filters my preferences better since I’m trying to tune out what feels like pretty much 99% of songs. Finding songs that aren’t romantic themed is hard and I feel like I just can’t relate to them.

My absolute favorite song is I’m Going to Go Back There Someday by the Muppets. I’m trying not to live up the the childish stereotype unfairly attached to aro/aces, but it’s actually a really beautiful song. As I mentioned, I like songs that move me. I’ve found that exciting and upbeat music loses its shine after a while, but the slower, more meaningful songs stay with me and never dull.

While Poor Weary Wanderer has a sorrowful tone, I’m Going to Go Back There Someday strikes me as sweet and hopeful. For me it represents what I think most aros are looking for, that perfect “home-like” feeling we can find in another person. We are vaguely aware of the possibility, but it feels like the world is against our dream. It feels like the world says the only relationships worth making are romantic ones. I think the current narrative is that friendship should be effortless and it’s really not.

In movies and films people just always seem to have a best friend that magically spawned out of nowhere and all the protagonist’s energy is spent towards the romantic interest. I wish Hollywood made “Falling in Best Friends” stories, because those are the stories I need. I don’t have a lot of friends right now and I’ve lost the youthful ability to magically spawn them. If I want friends, I have to put in the effort. It would be nice to see this as normal instead of the exception.

As an aromantic I’m not looking for True Love. I’m looking for something a little softer, a little sweeter, and although it may appear childish to others, I think it’s probably the strongest, most innate relationship we can build. This trick is finding the right person or people willing to build that same dream.

My favorite lines in the song is the last verse, “There’s not a word yet for old friends who’ve just me./Part heaven, part space, or have I found my place?/You can just visit, but I plan to stay./I’m going to go back there someday.” I’m waiting and searching still, but I’m still hopeful for “someday” to happen soon.

 

15 Day Aromantic Challenge: Day 13

What is your ideal job/career?

My ideal job/career would be a screenwriter. I’m not a terrible writer, but I don’t have the connections needs to make a living in writing for television or movies. It’s not what you know, it’s who you know. Sure, I got a grade of 102% in my screenwriting class (extra credit, boom!), but nobody is going to pick up a no-name writer for their new TV series.

That doesn’t stop me from writing. Even if I can only write a small measly blog post a day, I will continue to write a small measly blog post every single day. On days when I’m flat out of ideas I have prompt books that I write in. I make it a point to write at for at least 15 minutes every single day. I make it a point to continue learning about writing and learning how to make my writing better. I’m listening to an audiobook right now on how to write better sentences. I have a whiteboard on my wall with the three act structure written out in permanent marker so all I have to do is fill in the blanks. Hard work isn’t enough. Working damn hard isn’t enough. If I want to break into the writing field I’m going to need to work insanely hard and be damn lucky at some point in time. I don’t have kids. I don’t have a relationship. Writing is the love of my life and my stories are my babies.

Basically writing is already my job, it just doesn’t pay the bills.

15 Day Aromantic Challenge: Day 10

If you’re involved in fandoms, do you/how do you ship? (gen fic, romantic ships, friendships, queerplatonic ships, etc.)

Ships? I have a freaking armada! Just one OTP isn’t enough. I probably spend an unhealthy amount of time on Ao3 reading fanfics. Honestly, I like the fandoms more than the cannon series most times. I always get really excited when I see an aromantic tag, but I’ll pretty much read anything, good or bad. I treat fanfics as rules free fantasy. I can enjoy whatever I want without having to justify it. I can read dark fics, smutty fics, anything when I’m in the mood for it because Ao3 is my escape, sometimes even from myself. I read fanfiction when I don’t want to think about anything else. I can just read and drift. I don’t have to think about work, I don’t have to think about my identity, and I can just exist in the moment of reading pleasure.

I’m currently reading a John/Sherlock fic series. So far it’s purely platonic, with John developing feelings for Sherlock, BUT! Plot twist: John is the one who’s learning to become “human” (usually it’s the other way around). The story is basically a Pinocchio plot. John is Sherlock’s guardian angel, but he breaks The Rules to save Sherlock’s life from a demon. It’s urban fantasy where Sherlock is aware of the supernatural, but can’t see it and he uses science and magic to solve cases. Because he broke the rules John loses his angel status and falls to Earth. He makes a deal with a pagan trickster god for a body and identity and is given the name and face of the recently KIA John H. Watson. The series then proceeds to navigate the BBC cases with a supernatural twist. My favorite character is an OC who acts as John’s “Jiminy Cricket”. I totally recommend to anyone who likes urban fantasy. I have a weakness for stories where fairies, demons, angels, pagan gods, and just about every myth you know (and some you don’t) all live together in the same world.

Basically while I do have my preferences, I don’t let my aromantic identity get in the way of my reading obsession. Television and movies are another matter entirely, but I plan to keep indulging in fanfics guilt free.

15 Day Aromantic Challenge: Day 9

What are some of your hobbies?

Reading and writing are first and foremost my main hobbies. They are the skills I dedicate the most time towards and being a writer has been my dream since middle school. Once I found out my identity as an agender aromantic asexual I’ve decided that I could never write for mainstream and have retreated to perfect my craft in private. I remember being really jealous of Christopher Paolini (The author of Eragon) for being published so young, but I was determined to mature as a person and a writer before I even attempted to get published. I’m also deeply infatuated with science fiction so I’ve dedicated a lot of time to research into pretty much everything. Thinking back to anything I wrote before I was 20 years old, I probably would have burned it all myself and scattered it to the four winds. I can’t imagine building entire worlds and creating believable characters while being in the dark about myself.

I’m also currently learning Tai Chi at my college. The teacher does a very traditional style and I really like all the little details involved with it. Even if I’m just standing still I have at least 20 things to think about; Is my weight distributed properly? Are my feet angled correctly? Do I feel any tension in my knees? Are my shoulders relaxed? Since I can’t turn my brain off regular workouts are hideously boring for me. If I’m working out then my brain has to be involved too. It’s too hot where I live to run outside or else I would do a couple of laps around the neighborhood with an audiobook.

A lot of my hobbies are individual based so I don’t meet a lot of people outside of work. I’m hoping once I’m done with school (ha! never!) I’ll have more time to met some new and different people.

 

Aromanticism and Music

One of my previous supervisors made an observation and it unfortunately stuck with me in a way I wish it hadn’t. He made the comment, or rather asked the question, if I had any happy songs in my playlists and the answer was no, not really. At the time I was internally freaking out because I was worried, “Am I really such a downer?”

Well, several years later I now know, no I’m not. Not really, but I do have a personal preference that I didn’t know about that made all the difference in my music tastes. It wasn’t that I didn’t have any happy songs in my playlist, it’s that I didn’t have any romantic themed songs in my playlist and what romantic songs I had were the “it didn’t work out” kind of songs because that’s all I knew. I didn’t know I was aromantic at the time, but that didn’t stop me from being aromantic. I had a coworker around the same time make the comment that I only liked listening to my own music and didn’t branch out, and I was like “excuse me, I think I have very eclectic tastes”, but I just didn’t like listening to bubble-gum pop love songs because I couldn’t relate.

I used to think I only listened to songs I could relate to, but I know that’s not true. Some of my favorite songs are about people and places I have nothing in common with, it’s just that these songs don’t have romance as its main theme. Because I tend to avoid love songs like a plague, I listen to more folk and folk-like music. I don’t regret that. In this genre are some of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard that they actually make me cry. That’s a more raw and real emotion then I feel listening to any love themed pop song. The songs I like have color and texture and aren’t bound to the rules of money and million dollar contracts. They’re simple and more complex at the same time.

One of my favorite songs is “King of Rome” by David Sudbury, but the Garnet Rogers version is my preference. It’s a “happy song” in that it has a happy ending, but the music isn’t an upbeat. The song is a classic “Dream Coming True” story, but the way Garnet Rogers sings it has me in tears every time. Another song I really like is “Missouri Waters” a song told from the point of view of the crew chief of the Mann Gulch fire where 13 firefighters died in a forest fire. It’s another song that has me in tears, but I think that’s the beauty of it. These are songs that not a lot of people know about so it feels a little like they’re my secret, like a valuable paining I have on wall that nobody knows exists I collect songs in the same way.

I think my aromanticism has a direct impact on my taste in music and I’m glad for it. I’ll take my sad songs over an upbeat love song any day. The feeling I get when I’m done listening to them is refreshing, like I’ve had a good cry or the air after a rainstorm. I don’t think I’m missing out for not liking love songs. I have my own likes and experiences and my music reflects that like it should.

5 Myths People Believe About Aromanticism That Just Aren’t True

A-cubedblog:

thetrevorproject:

Wanting to learn more about the spectrum of aromantic identities? Michon Neal challenges myths about being aromantic, and how diverse these identities are!

 

Number 4 is the big one for me. I’m extremely loyal to my friends.

5 Myths People Believe About Aromanticism That Just Aren’t True

(imported from my tumblr account)