Carnival of Aces November 2017: Questioning, Exploration, and Mislabeling

[This is my Carnival of Aces Submission for November under the topic of “Questioning, Exploration, and Mislabeling” hosted this month by Sock.]

How did you realize you were asexual? What made you realize you felt differently from others?

I didn’t realize I was asexual until I was 25 because I didn’t realize asexuality was a thing before that. I realized I felt differently because I was 25 and I had never dated ever. Before that I always thought the reason I had never dated was because I was busy with work, school, and family drama, but when I turned 25 (like literally three months after my birthday) I realized that if I had really wanted to date somebody, anybody, I would have found a way. The urge just never came.

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Carnival of Aces July 2017: Barriers to Off-Line Ace Meet-ups

Hi folks! This is my post for the July Carnival of Aces hosted this month by the Asexuality Archive under the topic of “Ace-ing it up Offline”. I decided to write about barriers that I’ve personally run into when it comes to meeting aces Offline.

Barrier #1: Location, Location, Location:

I live in a small city in Texas. I pass SIX churches on my 8 mile drive to work everyday. People in my area still can’t even say the word “gay” like it’s a swear word or something. My closest major city is San Antonio which for me is a 40 minute drive (we count distance in time in Texas because it’s makes the drive seem shorter and that’s going 5-10 miles over the speed limit like we do). I haven’t been able to find any info about meet ups in San Antonio because when you look up “aces in San Antionio” on Google it takes you to the local community colleges website which is called the “ACES portal” so not helpful.

According to Google there’s a pretty good Ace presence in Austin which is an hour and a half drive away and in Houston which is three and a half hours away, but then we run into the next barrier-

Barrier #2: Time and Money:

I don’t work a 9-5 job. I work part-time at a grocery and because it’s summer time we lost all our labor hours, but despite all that I’m still working 40+ hours a week! Somebody called in on Tuesday and my supervisor asked everyone and their mother if ANYONE was willing to stay. Even though everybody says they want more hours they’re not willing to work for it when we need it. I was already scheduled 40 hours this week, but I was the only one willing to stay so I worked 12 hours on Tuesday. Friday rolls around and I finished all the work in my section and as much fun as it is to get paid to stand around and do nothing, I asked my super if I could leave early since I was over hours from Tuesday. Literally one minute before I’m about to clock out my supervisor calls me and asks if I can stay because apparently one of our new employees (chick hadn’t even been there two weeks) had just quit on the spot. So, I end up working 11 hours on Friday.

You’d think with all this overtime I’m working, and remember I’m just a “part-time” employee so I should only be getting 30 hours a week, I should be rolling in money. I go to check my account so I can pull some cash to go on a pub-run with my coworkers (because this Friday I needed it) and I have $12.80. So, no Pub-run. I can’t pull from savings because my car needs new tires this month, plus I already owe over 700 dollars on my credit card. I get paid well above minimum wage, but clearly it’s not a living wage.

What all the hell am I buying? Bills. Food. I like a hot lunch and why reheat rice&beans when I could just steam a bag of frozen veggies in the microwave (2.65 plus employee discount) or have a nice hot bowl of soup (2.99 plus employee discount). My personal favorite is the single oatmeal cups (99 cents) because I like to toss in some trail mix (45-80 cents). I’m having flashbacks to Les Miserables “All the bits and pieces/Jesus, it’s amazing how it grows!”

Barrier #3: Making a Connection

One of my friends from high school is aro-ace like me! How amazing is that? Think of the odds. We share the same awkward “what’s wrong with me?” “Am I broken?” “What’s an ace?” experience. I was the one who blurted “I think I’m asexual” and she said “me too” so we should totally be besties hands down, right? Yeah, not what happened. I actually don’t really know what happened other than we had our own crap to deal with and lost touch. I’ve talked to her maybe twice since I came back to Texas. It sucks, but the reality might be I’m just not enough or the right kind of support she needs right now. If I had to make a guess I would say that it’s because she’s black and I have the genetic diversity of Wonderbread. It doesn’t mean I’m not a great person, it doesn’t mean we don’t have anything in common, but I will never be stopped by a cop and fear for my life or freedom. I trust that she knows what she needs in her support network and I’m not going to be offended if I don’t fit those needs. Sometimes people just can’t connect or the connection doesn’t hold up when people change.

I personally have a hard time connecting to people under the age of 25. I run into this problem when I’m online too. Sometimes I just want to vent or I need emotional support over a topic that a younger person hasn’t had to deal with yet. For example my parents are having marriage problems. That means something completely different when you’re closer to 30 than it does when you’re still a teenager. It would be nice to talk about it over a (as in singular) beer and some nachos because I have work at 6AM the next day. I really like talking to my older coworkers because we’re all going though similar experiences and it’s nice to have that “is this normal?”/”oh, yeah. Me too,” conversations.

Honestly, being ace is old news to me now and it gets kind of tiring hearing the same conversation of “Last year/month/week I realized I was ace because…and my family reacted like…” Now I need the conversation, “I’ve identified as ace for X amount of years…” and then what? I want to connect with other aces offline, but emotionally I need to connect with other adults more.

Preferably somewhere less than an hour away with a budget under 20 dollars and I can’t stay too late because I (more than likely) have work the next day.

Carnival of Aces for November ’16: Relationship Anarchy

[This is my submission for the Carnival of Aces November 2016 hosted this month by Dee of It’s An Ace Thing for the topic of “relationship anarchy”. The Carnival of Aces is a monthly blogging carnival centered around a particular topic. For more information about the CoA see the >>Master Post<<]

When I first saw the topic for this month I was a little skeptical (having never heard the term before), but after reading into it a little more I can see how relationship anarchy would appeal to many people (including myself). As an aromantic asexual I shy away from the idea of relationships because of the expectations that come with them. We’ve all seen the Hollywood romance model: Boy meets girl, they date, they sex it up, they fight, they make up, sex it up again, roll credits. It’s all very formulaic and I am all for breaking that standard model.

I’m slightly romance-repulsed. If a random person walks up and tries to hit on me I’ll either a) not realize that’s what they’re trying to do or b) internally-freak-out-and-give-them-the-choice-of-solving-three-riddles,-completing-an-impossible-task,-or-going-on-quest. Then to make things even more complicated, I’m a nonbinary gender (agender). So following the standard relationship model does not work for me and my only option really is relationship anarchy.

“What’s the point of a relationship without sex or romance?” Well, just because I don’t feel romantic or sexual attraction doesn’t mean I don’t feel any attraction at all. I still feel sensual attraction. If I were to confess to a ‘sensual-crush’ (and I did that just today actually), I would say, “I want to hug you. You are allowed to enter into my personal space.” and I would consider them an acceptable cuddle-buddy. Words like “dating” freak me out, but despite all that I still want to have healthy and wholesome relationships.

Relationships of all kinds are defined by unwritten rules that dictate what you can and cannot feel and what behavior is considered normal. For me that is very oppressive. I would love to live in a world where my “before everyone else” is a mutual platonic partnership. I would love to live in a world where my “love” for my mentors is just as celebrated and talked about as a romantic love for a significant other would be. I would be over the moon if the social norm was that one of the first questions people ask me is NOT “do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend”?  and instead, “what is your most significant relationship?”

Right now my most significant relationship is with my tai chi mentor because they are making the most positive impact on my life right now. I want to be able to talk about and celebrate that relationship with others, but I can’t because of the social expectations. If I talked about a mentor like I want to people would think it’s weird or they’d mock me for having a “secret crush” when it’s not like that at all. I usually do fall “in love” with my mentors, but it’s always in a non-romantic way. I see those kinds of relationships as reverent and worth celebrating and talking about, but because of our social norms I can’t do exactly that.

I want Hollywood to tell a “Falling in Best Friends” kind of story. I want Hollywood to STOP KILLING OFF THE MENTOR CHARACTERS because that’s the only way they know how to talk about the relationship. I want us as a society to stop worshiping romantic love like it’s the end all, be all way. I believe all kinds of relationships are worth celebrating and talking about. I didn’t have a word for it before, but I guess “relationship anarchy” is what I’ve been wishing for all along.

Carnival of Aces: Joining the Asexual Community

[This is my submission for the Carnival of Aces October 2016 with the topic of “Joining the Asexual Community”hosted this month by Yapbnweca]

My activity within the asexual community is restricted to online just because I live in a remote area and don’t have much opportunity to meet new people or travel to a city for meet ups. For me my community is made up of the dedicated folks on tumblr and the resources managed by The Asexuality Blog such as the Ace Chat and the pen pal project. It’s also through the Carnival of Aces that I’ve found a sense of belonging from the blogs I follow and from the submissions I get to read every month.

It’s fitting that my community experience is primarily online because it’s through the internet that I found out about asexuality. It was by reading person blogs that I was able to find the answers I needed. If you type into Google “why have I never dated at 25 years old” you’ll find a bunch of B.S. pages about “waiting for prince/princess charming” and “not to give up hope”. When I asked that question over a year ago I didn’t need “hope” I needed answers. It was the asexual community that provided the information I needed that I hadn’t been able to find anywhere else. It’s really sad that it took so long to discover such a key part of myself.

More than liking science fiction, more than being an absolute disaster in the kitchen, even more than my physical attributes that I see in the mirror everyday- Asexuality is a fundamental part of who I am as a person. It would have been nice to know that side of myself sooner. I owe a huge debt to the folks in the community who are speaking up against hate, against psudoscience, and getting the word out that asexuality exists and  that we are not alone. So, to everyone in the community doing their best to make the world a better place for asexuals and LGBTQ+ individuals everywhere- thank you.

15 Day Asexuality Challenge: Day 8

Your favorite “asexual” book (as in, sex and/or romance are not the main focus) and/or Your favorite “asexual” movie.

My favorite “asexual” book is the same book that gave me my infatuation with reading and sparked my life long obsession with dragons; Patricia Wrede’s Dealing with Dragons.
  Dealing with Dragons a cracked fairytale story where the main character is a princess who runs away from home to avoid an arranged marriage and she asks a dragon to “kidnap” her. If I had to pick a book that has impacted me the most in my life and as an author, this 100% the book I’d pick. It was fun, it was different, and remains one of my all time favorites.

My favorite “asexual” movie is The Martian. 
 I love science fiction and I feel like I’ve been waiting years for a good hard science fiction story to come out. Soft science fiction is very similar to fantasy, which is nice and I enjoy it, but nothing tops the feeling of seeing the pure sense of possibility play out on screen.

The great thing about both these works is romance isn’t a focus and doesn’t even affect the main characters. The adventure is it’s own reward and love is no the “prize” they win at the end. I hope to stumble upon more stories like these in the future.

15 Day Asexuality Challenge: Day 7

Your favorite asexual character/celebrity/person.

I don’t know of any characters/celebrities/persons who are openly or in plain text asexual, or at least I can’t think of any at the moment. I would pick a person in the online community, but I only know them by their usernames and online personas. I have several headcanons that have asexual and/or aromantic characters. I would say those headcanon examples would be my favorite, but I’d be too embarrassed to list them. I hope someday I can do the challenge again and have a better and bigger answer or character/person pool to draw from.

 

15 Day Aromantic Challenge: Day 15!!!

What do you like about being aromantic? What do you dislike?

Likes:

I like the fact that I’m different. As a writer my worst nightmare is being a cliche. Some cliches are okay, but I don’t want to be one. I like the independence that being aromantic gives me. I wasn’t like several people at my High School who married young and had two kids by the time they were old enough to drink. I like that I get to wear a lot of green and I like the look of the pride flag. I like that my aromanticism complements my asexuality. I like that I can feel platonic and family bonds more strongly. Comrade is one of my favorite emotions. I like that being aromantic has forced me to have a unique world view. I don’t have any romantic emotions or worries or entanglements to distract me from my goals in life. I think I can focus better and have more time to improve myself as a person. I like that I feel complete without missing “another half”.

Dislikes:

I dislike how lonely it can be sometime. I dislike being the third, fifth, or even sometimes the seventh wheel when I go out with my family and their significant others. I dislike that one of the first questions people ask when they try to get to know me is if I have a boyfriend/girlfriend. I want there to be more non-villain aromantics in media. I want there to be more aromantics in media period. I want there to be more representation for my demographic not just the crappy, “Oh, you just haven’t met the right one” or “Prince/Princess Charming is waiting for you, don’t give up!” blog posts. People try to empower single people and in the same breath say that single people just need to “hang in there!”, because there’s someone out there for everyone. I dislike how few aros there are. I don’t belong to an aromantic community or know too many aro blogs or resources. I basically just want more aro stuff and aros to hang with.

Final Thoughts:
I enjoyed doing the blogging challenges. Because of my school and work schedules I can’t do the deep and wordy blog posts that I want to do. The blogging challenges are a nice compromise since I can be as wordy or brief as I want or have the time and energy. I’ll probably continue to search for challenges to do until such time I can fully commit to the post type that I want. If anyone else is doing similar challenges I would like to hear about them in the comments section, Thank you!

Carnival of Aces Signal Boost!

Robin Enby has selected a wonderful topic for the Carnival of Aces September Prompt: The topic they selected is Asperger’s and Asexuality but the prompt is open to the whole autism spectrum. I won’t be making a submission myself, but I wanted to spread the word. I look forward to reading all the amazing entries in the round up. I believe this is an important topic so please continue to spread the word.

15 Day Aromantic Challenge

Since I’ve just finished up doing the 30 Genderqueer challenge, I want to keep the momentum going with some Aromantic Prompts. I found a 15 Day Aromantic challenge on tumblr and that will be the focus for the next two weeks. Yay!

Here are the challenge questions:

1. What types of relationships do you most enjoy?
2. Describe your best friendship(s).
3. How would you describe your ideal relationship?
4. Have you ever been/are you in a romantic relationship?
5. Would you consider being in a romantic relationship or, if you have, in another?
6. Are you more of a planner or fly by the seat of your pants kind of person?
7. Do you like physical affection? If so what kind? (hugging/cuddling/holding hands/kissing/etc.)
8. How do you feel about children? Do you want/have children?
9. What are some of your hobbies?
10. If you’re involved in fandoms, do you/how do you ship? (gen fic, romantic ships, friendships, queerplatonic ships, etc.)
11. What’s your favorite fictional friendship
12. Who is your favorite aromantic character?
13. What is your ideal job/career?
14. What is your favorite aromantic song?
15. What do you like about being aromantic? What do you dislike?

30 Day Gender Queer Challenge: Day 22

[Somehow I forgot to hit the submit button yesterday. Oops!]

What is your sexual and romantic orientations? Are they affected by your gender?

I am asexual and aromantic! Hence the name of the blog. The aromantic part is the big one because I’m not romantically attracted to anyone (or at least attracted enough to act on it). I really don’t focus on any non-platonic relationship possibilities. On the one hand it sucks because people say “Friendzone” like it’s Mordor or something. I want to be someone’s Samwise to their Frodo really, really badly. I just want to be someone’s best friend, but I haven’t found “the one” in that respect either. People place so much emphasis on romantic relationships. I wish Hollywood would make a “Falling in best friends” story. I’ve heard other ace/aros talk about the same feelings of wanting to be someone’s number one, but not in a romantic sense and they feel shoved aside when their besty finds a significant other.

But since I’m not attracted to anyone romantically or sexually my gender doesn’t really affect my orientation.