Carnival of Aces November 2017: Questioning, Exploration, and Mislabeling

[This is my Carnival of Aces Submission for November under the topic of “Questioning, Exploration, and Mislabeling” hosted this month by Sock.]

How did you realize you were asexual? What made you realize you felt differently from others?

I didn’t realize I was asexual until I was 25 because I didn’t realize asexuality was a thing before that. I realized I felt differently because I was 25 and I had never dated ever. Before that I always thought the reason I had never dated was because I was busy with work, school, and family drama, but when I turned 25 (like literally three months after my birthday) I realized that if I had really wanted to date somebody, anybody, I would have found a way. The urge just never came.

Good Thing Today

One of my coworkers pointed out that we’ve worked with each other for two years now and we would probably be totally friends and hang out outside of work if our schedules ever lined up. I have explained told him that I’m asexual and he mentioned today that he was surprised I was still single. I explained a little better that dating wasn’t a possibility for me and what not feeling attraction meant in the most basic terms I could. I understand that asexuality is a REALLY hard concept for people to wrap their heads around unless they either are asexual themselves or are really familiar with someone who is. He asked if I wanted to see the new Thor movie with him and at first I was a little uneasy with the idea because it was skirting with a date-ish vibe even though it would just be a friend date, but he said since I’m asexual I could be his “wingman” and that made me feel a lot better. I would totally take my wingman duties very seriously (read: over  the top), but the main thing was I felt that he understood better and this could be the beginning of a beautiful bromance. (Since I’m agender I can totally use the term “bromance”).

First Week in My New Section

The one time I saw my boss this week he grinned at me like moving me to the new section was his best idea ever which I took as a complement. My trainer for the section said I caught on quickly and was already preforming better than people who had been there for months. I’m still feeling my way through my role. The managers said they wanted someone with a “voice of maturity”, but I’m not going to tell the guys to stop playing baseball in the kitchen; I’m just going to tell them to use their inside voices.

Thankfully I’m not starting from zero. I’ve worked in a restaurant before and I’ve worked a register before so that muscle memory is still there. It took me about a minute to get back into the rhythm of counting change since I hadn’t done it in a couple years, but I’m sure it won’t take me long to have the totals memorized along with the change out of a 20 dollar bill.

My section is new and familiar all wrapped up in one which was what I needed because I had been fighting a cold all week too. I could feel the cold coming on my first day and I thought, “uh oh.” My mom and my sister all caught a cold at the same time so we had a list contest going to see who would be “cured” first. My method involved a half a pot of coffee, advil, cough drops, and liberal use of power naps to get me through the day. Fortunately my first week was only 6 hour shifts and everyone was super understanding.

Part of the reason was I was mellow on cold medicine but I did end up coming out to two of my coworkers that I had known for over a year now. I was basically testing the waters to see my reaction to the typical responses and I was proud that I didn’t let the responses bother me and I was comfortable with them knowing. One of my coworker was having a really hard time picturing life without attraction, but I just shrugged and explained it’s like having a tongue in your mouth.

My new metaphor for “normal” is “having a tongue in your mouth”. You’ll go through your entire day not thinking about it at all, but if I walk up to you and say “Hey, did you know you have a tongue in your mouth?” you’ll spend the next two minutes thinking about this really awkward thing that’s just there, but you can’t picture a life without it. For my coworker attraction is just there, it’s normal while for me not feeling attraction is the norm.

Since my first week is done I get to enjoy a three-day weekend to get over my cold and work with my puppy. I’ve let a few things slide since I’ve been sick and now he thinks he can get away with anything. My trainer recommended a toy called a “lotus ball” that you put treats in and throw it. It’s amazing. I can just stand there and throw a ball and he’ll chase it over obstacles. I haven’t been able to use my voice because of my cold so I’ve been relying one hand signals and treats more. My voice is all squeaky to the point that Google can’t figure out what I’m saying when I’m trying to look up something on my phone. I kept trying to say “Martian” and it kept popping up everything from Marshal to Mike Tyson. Thankfully training a dog is like 90% body language.