Greetings! It has been a very long time since I’ve posted to my blog, but here is my submission for the Carnival of Aros for December 2023 hosted this month by Sara Jakša on the topic of “Aromanticism and Holidays”.
Something I think worth clarifying is that I’m not just aromantic, but I’m also a life-long single person; Those are ultimately two different things. Something that I can find alienating in online aro (and ace) spaces is that relationships like QPPs get mentioned quite a bit and there’s sometimes an overcorrection against the myth that aromantics are “doomed” to “die alone”. I’m slightly romance-repulsed and the pervasiveness of relationship talk can be overwhelming. However, being romance-repulsed doesn’t stop me from seeking out warm fuzzy feelings and I’m beginning to think that my craft habit is very much informed by my aromanticism.
I have a weird hobby of collecting hobbies, specifically hobbies of the fiber arts persuasion (which is also why my poor blog gets neglected). I’m currently very into quilting because I learned there was a Welsh quilting tradition (see here, here, and here for more info) and I had a lot of cloth masks left over from the mask shortage early in the pandemic. Since I can now by KN95 masks by the box, my cotton masks are now my attempt at learning English paper piecing. I also taught myself nålebinding as an alternative to knitting and crochet that was easier on my hands (I recommend this YouTube channel if you want to learn). I also have a blackwork embroidery sampler in process (it’s very similar to cross stitch and etsy has some amazing patterns and kindle unlimited has patterns).
Thus far I’ve finished three quilts (not the EPP one however) which I have dubbed “fur-baby” quilts and they will be winnable prizes for my family’s Christmas party.
My family is many things, but the most seasonally relevant traits are we are competitive and frugal. Each year everyone is only responsible for two gifts, a secret santa gift to another family member and a white elephant gift. After that extra gifts are optional because they’ll be used as prizes for games. My mom is in charge of coming up with the competitive games and they change every year. I usually don’t win many games, but I still enjoy the quality time with my family. My sister will also be without a partner this year since her boyfriend of two years broke up with her, but perhaps we can work together if there are any team games.
Most importantly for me the holidays are also a break from school. I get to catch up on the pleasure reading list that’s been piling up all semester. I just finished the last books in two series that I was reading and get to experience the “first date” feeling that comes with picking up a new book series for the first time and hoping for the best. I have a really hard time imagining how different the holidays would be if I were alloromantic or actively seeking an intimate partnership. Outside of my work and school schedule there’s very little time for anything else so it’s not surprising to me that I was drawn to handcrafts. Just sitting down in front of a television feels like a waste of time, but I can mentally justify the leisure time if I have a craft project in my hand.
The internet is actually really deceptive about how long fiber arts projects take. I have several books of easy patterns that would take me about a week to finish using my machine, but a lot of the hand work takes FOOOOREEEVER. Nålebinding, like crochet, can’t be automated like knitting can. There’s 3D printing knitting machines now apparently so while I like to think that I’m fairly speedy at nålebinding stitches making even just a throw quilt takes something like 80 hours all together. The fun part for me, however, is the journey not the finished product because usually by the time I finish a thing all I can see are the flaws from where I was trying to figure out something. Just this week I was trying to figure out a new nålebinding stitch and the pile of tangled false starts is never going to see the light of day. The finished blanket, however, will probably end up as a consolation prize next year.
A³ 
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Sorry to ask about the very thing you were veering away from for this post (but my crafts skills are near zero, so while I can certainly admire your knitting and quilting skills, I sadly don’t have much to say). Your comment did make me wonder how you feel about the aro community’s emphasis on building other kinds of relationships, like the strengthening family bonds, friends and friend-groups, neighbors, communities, etc.
When you say “relationship talk” do you mean like, life partnership talk, or do you mean relationships in general (like with friends/family/neighbors/community members)?
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Correct, since I’m romance repulsed paired-partnership conversations in ace and aro spaces can sometimes get overwhelming. For a more specific example: I was in an aro discord one time and the general chat when I popped in was being dominated by paired-partnership (one person was gushing about their girlfriend) and I straight up noped out of the server.
I don’t remember I’ve ever said this rant in a blog post but there were several points on Twitter where I’ve griped about how romantic relationships are *celebrated* and *talked about* and listed off other kinds of relationships that I would like to see talked about and celebrated like a favorite teacher or a reliable coworker. Especially now that I’m an adult it’s pretty much assumed by society that my most important relationships should be my spouse and children, both of which I don’t want nor have but there’s no narrative blueprint for me in the culture zeitgeist. I probably would have stayed in the aro server if the general chat *had* focused on forming and maintaining others relationships but the vibe I was getting at the time was very much “being aro doesn’t mean I can’t date and I love that my partner respects my boundaries. QPPs are the best!” vibes. I’m probably hyper sensitive to it, but I’ll see things on twitter like aros with “I ❤ my QPPs" in their bios and I'm like, "great, love that for you. I'll see myself out".
It's kind of when aces over correct when talking to aphobes on twitter and they wip out the "asexuals can have sex too". it's not really fair to ask sex repulsed aces to keep their sex repulsion and ace identity separate from each other.
So on that theme of highlighting other relationships, one place I do get to chill and vibe is my tai chi class because paired partnerships are very much not the focus and movies and media are the go-to distraction topics in class. It's not an official aro space but it's inadvertently a place I feel very comfortable in as an aro person
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Ahhh I see what you’re saying. This overemphasis on paired partnerships, even if said partnerships aren’t traditionally romantic, are still amatonormative, so I’m sad to hear this amatonormativity still pervades aro spaces. I hope things get better on that front.
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To be more precise, now that I think about it, it’s not even the paired partnerships themselves that can be alienated, but rather the mythology surrounding them. For example I love the Ace Couple Podcast. Courtney and Royce are a married couple, but Courtney has said many times that she was happy being single *before* meeting Royce and now they are a happy couple. I consider their story a good example because Courtney presents being single as a necessary step in the relationship process rather than something to be ashamed of and avoided at all cost. I haven’t read much of Dr Bella DePaulo’s research beyond the YouTube video that debunks the myth that paired partnerships make us happy or are the secret to happiness, but that presentation was super validating to me as because it was the first time an expert said it’s okay to be single. https://belladepaulo.com/2013/04/on-getting-married-and-not-getting-happier-what-we-know/
I don’t think paired partnerships are inherently bad, it’s just that there’s a less toxic, more evidence based way of talking about paired partnerships
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Thanks for DePaulo’s links. I know only too well how alienating it can feel for having made the choice to not actively search for a partner. Even if people aren’t actively on my case to convince me that I should reconsider this choice I’ve made, at the same time, to be the only person I know (in the offline world) making that choice can be VERY alienating.
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