Dear Past Me

I just recently finished a handwritten journal that I started in 2011 and I’m very curious to see what was going on with past me. I didn’t figure out I was aromantic, asexual, and agender until 2015. I didn’t write consistently and the purpose of the journal changed to mostly evening relaxation and handwriting practice. If you’re feeling nosy you can come along. I’ll put current me’s comments/editorizations [in brackets with italics].

9/25/11
It’s been a week since my birthday and I must say it’s been a very long week. I’m twenty-two this year and I think I’ve pretty much overcome my adolescent demons. [i sincerely doubt that] A phrase that I have not read yet in a book comes to mind, “Behold, the great men of the ages past have banished all the other worldly demons. All that remains are the demons man kind has created for itself”. [meaning either i straight up made that quote up because I wanted to be a the next big high fantasy novelist or it’s from an anime and I don’t want to fess up to that]. I’ve kept journals before (and lost them) and there sits a great many blank notebooks in my bottom drawer. [I would call myself pretentious, but I think my spelling skills are actually the determining factor of my written speech patterns] I don’t expect [and “exspect” is hilariously miss spelled thus proving my previous point] this one to be any different, but I live and hope. [the rest of the entry goes on about how much my parents have supported me and some musing about being Buddhist, which isn’t what I currently identify with. In all honesty I’m finding the writing style to be very cringe so I’m going to move on]

9/26/11
Today’s insight comes from Card Captor Sakura, which is an anime whose dub I cannot stand but that’s beside the point. No doubt fans go wild at the end of the second movie where Sakura finally confesses her love for Syaoran, but do they ever stop and question it? […I’m about to say something very aromantic aren’t i? lol] Is there no, “…wait a second…” after the credits start to roll? Well, I must be strange then because I realized that poor kid (meaning Syaoran) is gonna go through hell. The movie [which current me haze ZERO memory of] ends with a freeze frame where Sakura who has just confessed leaps over a very long drop to get to Syaoran. Poor little Syaoran is telling her to wait for the magic to wear off and the killer jump to disappear, but in all her bubbly enthusiasm Sakura says no and leaps, presumably, into her lover’s arms. Freeze frame of mid jump with Syaoran running to catch her. They are now a couple (more or less) [I guess I wasn’t sold on the chemistry] and Syaoran now has a bubbly, daredevil, magic girlfriend. Although, I suppose it’s not all bad. He was originally sent to Japan to get the clow cards and now he has a girlfriend with clow cards so it’s a win-win. BUT! Girlfriend comes complete with two magic guardians, an ultra rich best friend who adores her, a father who’s the reincarnation of the most powerful wizard to ever live, and is buddy-buddy with two more ultra magic users, so in short: if Syaoran even messes up even a little bit he’s screwed. Hence I have discovered the phrase, “It could have been worse, you could have won” I’m sure Syaoran is overjoyed, but the dialogue would be something like- “yaaay…owwww”. Thus ends my analysis.

9/29/11
Wow, I am having trouble believing that September is almost over. The internet at work isn’t working so I’m doing writing therapy. Tsukiko [a friend from the same RP writing forum] gave me a very pretty Kurama sig ❤ <3. Mom wants to host a Halloween party for my younger sister, but most of her friends are no-can-do so she asked me to extend an invite to my pals. No dice. It’s a month away and my flakeish, scatter-brained pals already know they have plans. It’s amazing what a few years of college will do. I know that it’s not that I’m not important, but that Halloween after a certain age just isn’t really up there on lists of important holidays. Oh, well. The internet is still down and a full hour of work to go. Wow this must look silly, me writing in an archaic looking journal. Not half as silly as carrying a box of ears though (and that is exactly as it sounds). Such a feat is impossible to do with a straight face and the look on the other work study’s faces as I dropped the box off was very amusing. Maybe by the time I get to the last page of this journal (if I can) my handwriting will be readable. Still fuming about the internet. It’s all down then I can’t watch my anime. I need my fix. Ah, what to do? My stress levels are unbelievable with that one project for class. One class, I need just one class to graduate. Unfortunately financial aid doth not cover one class. Thus I must take three extra classes to keep my full-time student status. Which reminds me of how my work-study supervisor dared to ask me, “are you sure you’re graduating?” Uh, yeah. People tend to do that after they gat all their classes done with. My concentration is being disturbed by my coworkers. They are talking about what’s news and what’s not news. My watch ticking is getting really annoying. I better stop here, my hand is getting sore.

For comparison, here are the last three entries in the journal.

March 1st, 2024
And now I should do some serious reflection. I don’t really remember who I was as a person in 2011. My as a person now finds the greatest joy in family games nights, learning new things and new skills. I like making things. I still read when I can which is in long stretches or 15 minute bursts. Things I want to improve on is my handwriting [I have to say the handwriting practice part of journaling is NOT paying off and I need to squint and use context clues] and honestly that’s kind of it? I know I’ll naturally improve quilting by doing it. I’m getting better at figuring out my body cues. My stress was unusually high this passed week and when I clearly needed to rest, I did. I might have to miss tai chi all this week and so I will need to practice by myself or do chi gong with mom. I’m very tired and I have a headache, but I know that it’s because I didn’t eat much today. I made myself some onion soup with noodles and that helped a lot because it was savory, nutrient rich, and hydrating. I also paired with with some cherry/rose tea. So much for serious reflection. I have one more page, but I do need sleep.

March 3rd, 2024
I can’t sleep because my room is too hot, so I’m hoping a box fan on high in the window will help. I’m not going to be able to do a reflection.

March 10th, 2024
I saw online that a news organization went off-live and thus their entire backlog of news articles are gone. I’m not the best at recording my day-to-day or about world events, but maybe that’s something I can work on. I don’t know how to even begin. I think maybe my commonplace book would be better? I could take screenshots and print them out? Is it enough to just write my reaction and record the bibliographic information? Would I be saving the journal for? All of my siblings and myself don’t plan on having kids. Oh, well, it might be fun for me. I finished one journal.

What have I learned? The more things change, the more they stay the same I guess. I am apparently not one for details and just like to flutter from one topic to the next with my thoughts. It took a moment, but while I don’t think I’m the same person that I was in 2011, I can definitely see the continuity there. My mom is currently planning a St. Patrick’s day themed party for next week. My sister’s plus one is proving to be a problem. I have no plans to rewatch the CCS movie since past me gave it what amounts to a scathing review. OH, and I am ONE CLASS away from graduating with my master’s degree. Fortunately, this time it IS covered by financial aid. I don’t need an anime fix, I need a nap. Possibly a 4th cup of coffee. It was less embarrassing than I thought it would be to check in on my past journal entries. For now I’m going to put the journal away, but I might revisit it again in the future. I’ve already started my new journal and hope to report back with legible handwriting some time in the near future.

The Quest for All Things Cozy (Carnival of Aros December 2023)

Greetings! It has been a very long time since I’ve posted to my blog, but here is my submission for the Carnival of Aros for December 2023 hosted this month by Sara Jakša on the topic of “Aromanticism and Holidays”.

Something I think worth clarifying is that I’m not just aromantic, but I’m also a life-long single person; Those are ultimately two different things. Something that I can find alienating in online aro (and ace) spaces is that relationships like QPPs get mentioned quite a bit and there’s sometimes an overcorrection against the myth that aromantics are “doomed” to “die alone”. I’m slightly romance-repulsed and the pervasiveness of relationship talk can be overwhelming. However, being romance-repulsed doesn’t stop me from seeking out warm fuzzy feelings and I’m beginning to think that my craft habit is very much informed by my aromanticism.

I have a weird hobby of collecting hobbies, specifically hobbies of the fiber arts persuasion (which is also why my poor blog gets neglected). I’m currently very into quilting because I learned there was a Welsh quilting tradition (see here, here, and here for more info) and I had a lot of cloth masks left over from the mask shortage early in the pandemic. Since I can now by KN95 masks by the box, my cotton masks are now my attempt at learning English paper piecing. I also taught myself nålebinding as an alternative to knitting and crochet that was easier on my hands (I recommend this YouTube channel if you want to learn). I also have a blackwork embroidery sampler in process (it’s very similar to cross stitch and etsy has some amazing patterns and kindle unlimited has patterns).

Thus far I’ve finished three quilts (not the EPP one however) which I have dubbed “fur-baby” quilts and they will be winnable prizes for my family’s Christmas party.

My family is many things, but the most seasonally relevant traits are we are competitive and frugal. Each year everyone is only responsible for two gifts, a secret santa gift to another family member and a white elephant gift. After that extra gifts are optional because they’ll be used as prizes for games. My mom is in charge of coming up with the competitive games and they change every year. I usually don’t win many games, but I still enjoy the quality time with my family. My sister will also be without a partner this year since her boyfriend of two years broke up with her, but perhaps we can work together if there are any team games.

Most importantly for me the holidays are also a break from school. I get to catch up on the pleasure reading list that’s been piling up all semester. I just finished the last books in two series that I was reading and get to experience the “first date” feeling that comes with picking up a new book series for the first time and hoping for the best. I have a really hard time imagining how different the holidays would be if I were alloromantic or actively seeking an intimate partnership. Outside of my work and school schedule there’s very little time for anything else so it’s not surprising to me that I was drawn to handcrafts. Just sitting down in front of a television feels like a waste of time, but I can mentally justify the leisure time if I have a craft project in my hand.

The internet is actually really deceptive about how long fiber arts projects take. I have several books of easy patterns that would take me about a week to finish using my machine, but a lot of the hand work takes FOOOOREEEVER. Nålebinding, like crochet, can’t be automated like knitting can. There’s 3D printing knitting machines now apparently so while I like to think that I’m fairly speedy at nålebinding stitches making even just a throw quilt takes something like 80 hours all together. The fun part for me, however, is the journey not the finished product because usually by the time I finish a thing all I can see are the flaws from where I was trying to figure out something. Just this week I was trying to figure out a new nålebinding stitch and the pile of tangled false starts is never going to see the light of day. The finished blanket, however, will probably end up as a consolation prize next year.

Agender Fashion Problems

CW// gender dysphoria mentioned, dieting very briefly mentioned

I started writing this post last November and for some reason writing about my gender issues is always a challenge because 1) I don’t actually have a gender and 2) most of my issues are external things that I have no control over.

Escaping Reality, Expensive but Worth it?

So, I’ve been playing two mobile games non-stop (and boy does my paycheck know it). The games are Choices by Pixelberry and The Arcana by NixHydra. You can play for free, but it costs money to unlock extra scenes that reveal more of the story. But it’s not like I have any other major expenses or hobbies right now so I’m willing to accept this as my one vice.

I’m going to start with Choices. The stories I enjoyed the most were “Perfect Match” and “Most Eligible”. I’m willing to accept this as my guilty pleasure as an aromantic because actual dating squicks me out, but playing a totally censored PG13 game is absolutely fine. “Most Eligible” was probably the most fun because the storyline is your character is put on a trashy Reality TV show (based off Big Brother I think?) and the point of the game is to basically hook up with everyone. The bonus scenes are romantic dates and extra info to help your character win the challenges. At the end you have the option of buying an extra scene that you need to win, but if you lose you still win the audience vote if you stay in character during the interviews and get the consolation prize.

“Perfect Match” is the cheesiest scifi plot that I have no excuse for liking. Your character signs up for a dating service and surprise! Your perfect match is actually a super realistic android and the corporation that makes them is evil and you have to stop the evil corporation from taking over the world. Seriously uninspired villains. If that were a TV series synopsis I wouldn’t watch it, but the game turned out to be super fun because you get to choose how your character responds. I loved the ending I got and because it’s scifi, polyamorous relationships are perfectly fine (which thank goodness because I didn’t want to choose between the private detective and the android) and everyone is bi/pan/wtf-sexual. This one is fun to play even without the bonus scenes.

The Arcana is absolutely gorgeous. Rather than unlocking the bonus scenes it’s better to go ahead and just buy the individual chapters because it unlocks all the content and means you don’t need a key to replay the chapters. The individual chapters cost about ten dollars, but you’d be spending more than that if you kept refilling keys and paid to unlock all the bonus scenes individually (and the bonus scenes are basically just romantic fluff anyway soooo you don’t re~ally need it unless that’s your thing).

Not all of the chapters are out yet so it’s going to be a while until we see how the whole story ends. There are several story line choices and each story line has a different suitor and the plot is slightly different in each one too. There’s also a super cute mini-game that I enjoy playing daily. Best feature? You get to chose between she/her, he/him, and they/their pronouns. Asra, one of the characters, is also nonbinary according to the creators. I also happen to really like the story too. If this were a series I would totally watch it, but it’s definitely a perk of the format to have that reader-insert feeling.

The nice thing about both of these mobile games is it gives me a break from reality. The ban on transpersons in the military is definitely a low-point this past month, but on top of that my grandmother, my last living grandparent, is having some serious health problems lately so my mom is going to have to fly up somehow despite the government shutdown and all that mess. Having something fun, easy, and low-stress to do on my downtime is very beneficial to my mental health right now, so while my paycheck is definitely weeping, a little escapism right now is definitely worth it.

Stoic Week: Day 1 Happiness

This week I’m participating in Stoic Week a week long course hosted by the group Modern Stoicism whose mission/goal was to make Stoic Philosophy accessible and accurate to the general public. I’ve mentioned Stoicism in previous posts and these posts will just summarize my thoughts and impressions about week-long course.

1)  Morning meditation:

The wise person does nothing that he could regret, nothing against his will, but does everything honourably, consistently, seriously, and rightly; he anticipates nothing as if it is bound to happen, but is shocked by nothing when it does happen …. and refers everything to his own judgement, and stands by his own decisions. I can conceive of nothing which is happier that this. – Cicero, Tusculan Disputations 5.81

Actually my “morning meditation” was at 1pm (but in my defense I work evenings so my day usually starts later anyway). The really nice thing about this quote (aside for it being properly cited unlike every Instagram quote ever) is that the last part “I can conceive of nothing which is happier than this.” means that Cicero is sharing with us an ideal. In real life are we going to do things we regret? Definitely. I regret getting the “bold” flavored coffee from the cafeteria today because it gave me the jitters like it was nobody’s business. Are we going to do things against our will? The possibility exists. Are we going to do everything honorably, consistently, seriously and rightly? Yeah, no. Is shit going to happen? Definitely. But we can still do our best besides all that. And if we did our honest best to be and do all those good things, should we really have any regrets?

2) Afternoon Reflection:

So, to get some verbage out of the way, the English word “Happy” comes from a Germanic root word meaning “lucky” or “blessed”. The opposite of Happiness is “Hapless” meaning “unfortunate” (which is the Latin/French fancy word that we prefer to use because of the Norman conquest of England). The Greek Philosophical idea of Happiness is called eudaimonia which (like a lot of Greek) is really hard to translate into English. It’s very similar to the Buddhist concept of Enlightenment. It involves ideas like mental clarity, true wisdom, freedom from folly. It’s not about being happy or joyful.

A HUGE part of the Greek Philosophic idea of happiness is agency. Apparently if you have all the luck in the world (fame, money, health, power), but are without agency you’re not really “happy” (and my brain automatically goes to dystopian fiction there). In contrast a person with no luck at all, but has true agency and wisdom is the one who has true happiness.

3) Donald Robertson’s Webinar

I was in class so I had to watch the recording afterwards, but the guy hosting the class gave an hour long intro for the class explaining the concepts, overview, who was working behind the scenes and what to expect. I actually really do like his videos because he’ll usually throw in a story and for some reason they always stick in my mind. My personal favorite was he was doing a book review and somehow squeezed in the story about Zeno and Crates of Thebes where Zeno became a student of Crates and they were walking in a busy market each with a beggar’s bowl of soup in their hands. Well, apparently Zeno sneezed or something because he drops the bowl of soup and I have this mental image of a bewildered Zeno in modest cynic garb in the the middle of this busy street with soup all over him now and he’s so embarrassed he makes a break for it, but Crates calls after him “Where are you going? No harm’s be done to you.” Which is a nice little story about how nobody ever really died of embarrassment and I always think of that story whenever I feel embarrassed.

Anywho, in the webinar Dr. Robertson was talking about friendship and how friendship comes really, really close to being a Stoic idea of good, but since you can’t control it (we’re stressing agency again) it doesn’t really count as a virtue, but even if it’s not reciprocated you can still be act like a good friend to other people. For this topic the story was about Socrates. The young son of Socrates’s best friend came to him and asked Socrates if he would be willing to help him make friends since Socrates knew a lot of people. Socrates agreed and asked the young man what traits he was looking for in a friend and, of course, the young man lists of several noble and ideal traits. Socrates nods and agrees that those all all good traits, but being Socrates he flips the conversation around and asks the young man, “And how many of those traits do you hold yourself?”

As someone who has trouble making friends I really appreciated this part actually. I’ve fallen out with all of my friends from high school. I never really had a “best friend” which I’m totally okay with now because considering my friend group in high school… well, I do believe environmental pressures played a major role in who I hung out with. I basically need to go out, like waaaaaaay out and make some friends that didn’t go to my high school and don’t live in the same ten mile radius as I do.

Socrates: So, what are you looking for in a friend?
Me: Well, so far they need to be cool with transgender individuals in the military and can go five minutes without mentioning the Second Amendment.
Socrates: ………….
Me: Too much? It’s too much isn’t it?? *sobs* But I just want to meet some nice people who share a few of my values or at the very least don’t cause me anxiety!!
Socrates (Ancient Athenian): ….Noooo, I don’t understand what you mean by “transgender” and “second amendment”. 

4) Nightly Meditation:

Will there come a day, my soul, when you are good and simple and unified […] some day will you have a taste of a loving and affectionate disposition? Some day will you be satisfied and want for nothing […] Or will you be contented instead with your present circumstances and delighted with everything around you and convince yourself that all you have comes from the gods, and that all that is pleasing for them is well for you? Will there come a day when you are so much a member of the community of gods and humans as neither to bring any complaint against them nor to incur their indignation? – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 10.1

I would like to point out that the Meditations is Marcus Aurelius’s PERSONAL DIARY that he asked to be burned after his death. It was not and a crap ton of people still read translations of it even thousands of years later. It’s not my favorite because it’s run on sentences for days and hard for me to read/understand. That’s usually how I spot fake quotes on Instagram. Did I read and understand it on the first try? Well, then Marcus didn’t write it. Seriously, if any Stoic quote fits in a Instagram box I automatically question its validity and they never. freaking. cite. them.

Phew~ okay. I think I (sorta) get what he’s saying (maybe). The first part sounds like it’s about external happiness “…a taste of a loving and affectionate disposition…” sounds like affection from others which is nice if you got it, but it’s not within your control. I think the meat of the quote is “…Or will you be contented instead with your present circumstances and delighted with everything around you and convince yourself that all you have comes from the gods, and that all that is pleasing for them is well for you?” That sounds very similar to the Zen Buddhist concept of “living the life that is given to you” which makes sense from a practical stand point because you only have your life to live and only creepy literary tropes about body snatching in a crappy filler episode can beg to differ. I got it, Marcus. Don’t be a creepy trope body snatcher.

Yeah, that’s totally not what he meant. *sigh* But to answer your last rhetorical question, Marcus, “No.”

 

 

Whoo! Day one done! Tomorrow’s topic is “Virtue”, which like the Greek Philosophical idea of “happiness”, doesn’t translate well into English. Stay tuned!

 

Reexamining Disney’s Cinderella

As I tend to do, I was clicking around on YouTube when this video essay titled “Cinderella: Stop Blaming the Victim” caught my eye.

It’s been a while since I’ve seen Disney’s animated version of Cinderella, but it was one of my favorites as a kid. Something I failed to recall was right there in the opening narration it says in clear text “Cinderella was abused”.

…Oops.

I’ll admit it’s fun to watch folks poke fun at and criticize Disney films because, let’s be honest, we’re bored; But most people don’t sit down and do a serious texual analysis because we hated English class for a reason.

So, to recap. The Disney version of Cinderella is about a physical and emotional abuse victim trapped in a bad situation she cannot get out and despite ALL that she remains optimistic, hopeful, and kind. Like you see her abuse ON SCREEN. Wtf.

So, if one were to assume that Cinderella is bad for feminism one would be actually quite mistaken. It’s not actually a victim’s responsibility to fight back against her abusers. In fact fighting back is a very masculine trait. Cinderella is a very feminine character and she stays true to herself the whole movie.

The biggest criticism I’ve heard is the “waiting for your prince to come” trope. But that’s an over simplification and missing the point entirely. It’s not the love-at-first-sight gooey stuff that “saves” Cinderella, it’s the fact that the prince is literally the first person to treat Cinderella with kindness in years and he’s giving her a way out of her abusive situation in a setting without women’s shelters and abuse hotlines.

The truth of the text is Cinderella DID do something about her situation; she got help and she got out. For an abuse victim that is a HUGE accomplishment.

So kudos to Cinderella for not losing hope in a hopeless situation, for staying true to her morals of kindness despite the negative actions of others, and protecting those weaker than herself when she didn’t have to. She totally deserved that happy ending.

And I have no intention of ever watching the live action remake.

My “Weird” Taste in Music

Yesterday work was a little chaotic. We had two call-ins and a coworker was injured and had to be sent home. It was “fun”. For the last hour since we were closed and there weren’t any families with young ears shopping near by I turned on my phone’s play list. My taste in music is a little “unusual” since most of my tastes lean towards the 100-200 year old range because there are oldies and then there are oldies.

A perfect example is “Finnegan’s Wake” which is an Irish ballad that was the inspiration for a novel by James Joyce by the same name. For me that’s a “fun fact” for most other people it’s “what the hell/why should I care?”. It also freaks people out when I say that I’m indifferent about music in general. I don’t have a favorite song. The music I listen to tends to be narrative. For me it’s more of a case of I don’t have time to read a short story or novel on my break, but I can listen to a two-three minute song/ballad and I’m generally not going to find these songs on the radio.

Sometimes an older song sneaks into pop culture. I had a lot of fun telling my coworker that “Whiskey in the Jar” is an old Irish song, not a Metallica original. I have a whole CD of modern artists covering pirate and sea songs in their own style and it’s one of my favorites. I can’t listen to it at work because some of the songs are NOT family friendly and it’s not labeled as such, but I guess they expect people to know that pirate songs will contain some sailor worthy expletives.

My taste in music actually makes a lot sense when you consider that I’m an aromantic-asexual. The Top 100 Billboard songs will generally stick to a classic, yet very profitable theme. There’s nothing wrong with having love as a theme. I just prefer my love songs to have fermented for a couple of decades first. I’ll also lean more towards Celtic traditional songs as a nod to my ancestry. Why listen to a big label driven love song when I can listen to songs about battles, shipwrecks, smuggler stills, and history.

One song I stumbled upon recently is called “Viva La Quinte Brigada” by Christy Moore. It’s about a group of Irish volunteers who fought in the Spanish Civil War (1936-1939) which was something I didn’t know about until I looked up the song’s history. I like learning little bits of history like that. My dream job is a historical fiction screenwriter and those bits of history would be my focus. I crack myself up thinking about how the big trend right now is shared universe movies like what Marvel did and what DC and Star Wars is trying to do. Historical fiction is naturally a shared universe without even trying. 

I took one screen writing class as treat to myself and my classmates were very enthusiastic about my ideas and were like “Why isn’t this a movie yet?”. Well, I still have to make a living and pay rent so that’s why I haven’t written it. Then there’s the whole mess of Hollywood and TV being very tight-knit businesses to the point that unless you know somebody who knows somebody you’re not going to get anywhere. Producers get hundreds of scrips a day and while I might think a historical film about an obscure history reference is the coolest thing ever, the underpaid script monkey that has to read all the crap that comes in might not think so.

Another struggle is research. Personally, I don’t like doing research. It’s one thing to hear a “new” song I like and type the lyrics into Google or look at a wikipedia page, but actual historical research is super boring and difficult because you have to find first and second sources, look up historical documents, read diaries, and if your historical documents aren’t in English then you have to hire a translator and it just gets time consuming and expensive really fast. Once I take all that into consideration I usually just decide the world doesn’t need a movie; Somebody already when to the trouble of recording a song so why mess with perfection?

Just for Fun: TEA!

I’ve been an avid tea drinker since giving up soda pop and my latest obsession is blooming tea. I got a random batch of tea balls from China so it was a surprise what kind I would get. They were mostly a green and jasmine mix, but very good and well made. I had hoped to get a video of the blooming in action but I don’t have a good enough set up for it, but I did get some pictures of the final product.

I ordered some more tea, but there was a mix up and I was sent a phone charger instead! The vendor said they would resend the tea, but it might take a few weeks.