I just recently finished a handwritten journal that I started in 2011 and I’m very curious to see what was going on with past me. I didn’t figure out I was aromantic, asexual, and agender until 2015. I didn’t write consistently and the purpose of the journal changed to mostly evening relaxation and handwriting practice. If you’re feeling nosy you can come along. I’ll put current me’s comments/editorizations [in brackets with italics].
9/25/11
It’s been a week since my birthday and I must say it’s been a very long week. I’m twenty-two this year and I think I’ve pretty much overcome my adolescent demons. [i sincerely doubt that] A phrase that I have not read yet in a book comes to mind, “Behold, the great men of the ages past have banished all the other worldly demons. All that remains are the demons man kind has created for itself”. [meaning either i straight up made that quote up because I wanted to be a the next big high fantasy novelist or it’s from an anime and I don’t want to fess up to that]. I’ve kept journals before (and lost them) and there sits a great many blank notebooks in my bottom drawer. [I would call myself pretentious, but I think my spelling skills are actually the determining factor of my written speech patterns] I don’t expect [and “exspect” is hilariously miss spelled thus proving my previous point] this one to be any different, but I live and hope. [the rest of the entry goes on about how much my parents have supported me and some musing about being Buddhist, which isn’t what I currently identify with. In all honesty I’m finding the writing style to be very cringe so I’m going to move on]
9/26/11
Today’s insight comes from Card Captor Sakura, which is an anime whose dub I cannot stand but that’s beside the point. No doubt fans go wild at the end of the second movie where Sakura finally confesses her love for Syaoran, but do they ever stop and question it? […I’m about to say something very aromantic aren’t i? lol] Is there no, “…wait a second…” after the credits start to roll? Well, I must be strange then because I realized that poor kid (meaning Syaoran) is gonna go through hell. The movie [which current me haze ZERO memory of] ends with a freeze frame where Sakura who has just confessed leaps over a very long drop to get to Syaoran. Poor little Syaoran is telling her to wait for the magic to wear off and the killer jump to disappear, but in all her bubbly enthusiasm Sakura says no and leaps, presumably, into her lover’s arms. Freeze frame of mid jump with Syaoran running to catch her. They are now a couple (more or less) [I guess I wasn’t sold on the chemistry] and Syaoran now has a bubbly, daredevil, magic girlfriend. Although, I suppose it’s not all bad. He was originally sent to Japan to get the clow cards and now he has a girlfriend with clow cards so it’s a win-win. BUT! Girlfriend comes complete with two magic guardians, an ultra rich best friend who adores her, a father who’s the reincarnation of the most powerful wizard to ever live, and is buddy-buddy with two more ultra magic users, so in short: if Syaoran even messes up even a little bit he’s screwed. Hence I have discovered the phrase, “It could have been worse, you could have won” I’m sure Syaoran is overjoyed, but the dialogue would be something like- “yaaay…owwww”. Thus ends my analysis.
9/29/11
Wow, I am having trouble believing that September is almost over. The internet at work isn’t working so I’m doing writing therapy. Tsukiko [a friend from the same RP writing forum] gave me a very pretty Kurama sig ❤ <3. Mom wants to host a Halloween party for my younger sister, but most of her friends are no-can-do so she asked me to extend an invite to my pals. No dice. It’s a month away and my flakeish, scatter-brained pals already know they have plans. It’s amazing what a few years of college will do. I know that it’s not that I’m not important, but that Halloween after a certain age just isn’t really up there on lists of important holidays. Oh, well. The internet is still down and a full hour of work to go. Wow this must look silly, me writing in an archaic looking journal. Not half as silly as carrying a box of ears though (and that is exactly as it sounds). Such a feat is impossible to do with a straight face and the look on the other work study’s faces as I dropped the box off was very amusing. Maybe by the time I get to the last page of this journal (if I can) my handwriting will be readable. Still fuming about the internet. It’s all down then I can’t watch my anime. I need my fix. Ah, what to do? My stress levels are unbelievable with that one project for class. One class, I need just one class to graduate. Unfortunately financial aid doth not cover one class. Thus I must take three extra classes to keep my full-time student status. Which reminds me of how my work-study supervisor dared to ask me, “are you sure you’re graduating?” Uh, yeah. People tend to do that after they gat all their classes done with. My concentration is being disturbed by my coworkers. They are talking about what’s news and what’s not news. My watch ticking is getting really annoying. I better stop here, my hand is getting sore.
For comparison, here are the last three entries in the journal.
March 1st, 2024
And now I should do some serious reflection. I don’t really remember who I was as a person in 2011. My as a person now finds the greatest joy in family games nights, learning new things and new skills. I like making things. I still read when I can which is in long stretches or 15 minute bursts. Things I want to improve on is my handwriting [I have to say the handwriting practice part of journaling is NOT paying off and I need to squint and use context clues] and honestly that’s kind of it? I know I’ll naturally improve quilting by doing it. I’m getting better at figuring out my body cues. My stress was unusually high this passed week and when I clearly needed to rest, I did. I might have to miss tai chi all this week and so I will need to practice by myself or do chi gong with mom. I’m very tired and I have a headache, but I know that it’s because I didn’t eat much today. I made myself some onion soup with noodles and that helped a lot because it was savory, nutrient rich, and hydrating. I also paired with with some cherry/rose tea. So much for serious reflection. I have one more page, but I do need sleep.
March 3rd, 2024
I can’t sleep because my room is too hot, so I’m hoping a box fan on high in the window will help. I’m not going to be able to do a reflection.
March 10th, 2024
I saw online that a news organization went off-live and thus their entire backlog of news articles are gone. I’m not the best at recording my day-to-day or about world events, but maybe that’s something I can work on. I don’t know how to even begin. I think maybe my commonplace book would be better? I could take screenshots and print them out? Is it enough to just write my reaction and record the bibliographic information? Would I be saving the journal for? All of my siblings and myself don’t plan on having kids. Oh, well, it might be fun for me. I finished one journal.
What have I learned? The more things change, the more they stay the same I guess. I am apparently not one for details and just like to flutter from one topic to the next with my thoughts. It took a moment, but while I don’t think I’m the same person that I was in 2011, I can definitely see the continuity there. My mom is currently planning a St. Patrick’s day themed party for next week. My sister’s plus one is proving to be a problem. I have no plans to rewatch the CCS movie since past me gave it what amounts to a scathing review. OH, and I am ONE CLASS away from graduating with my master’s degree. Fortunately, this time it IS covered by financial aid. I don’t need an anime fix, I need a nap. Possibly a 4th cup of coffee. It was less embarrassing than I thought it would be to check in on my past journal entries. For now I’m going to put the journal away, but I might revisit it again in the future. I’ve already started my new journal and hope to report back with legible handwriting some time in the near future.
A³ 